A Refiner's Fire, Whew! Post #4, please read.

A Refiner's Fire

I sang at Mt Rubidoux SDA Church in Riverside, CA.   God is good because I still can't believe I made it there.

I met Dr. Eric Walsh in San Diego,CA, the previous week at the Marantha Church.   I sang there by a fluke because the pastor was supposed to sing but he had laryngitis.   So I filled in the gap.   The Lord blessed.  Dr. Walsh, his son and I,  went downstairs for the "Mother's Day"afternoon  lunch.   Big production.  The men were in charge and did all of the cooking.   He asked me about the disease and was very concerned.   He suggested some things and then drank some water.  We talked, and realized that we had some mutual friends in common.  I noticed that he did not eat.  The food was all around us and ya know the guest pastor always get fed first, and gets the first fruits of the celebration,  but he opted out.   He was on a juice fast.   I had some salad, water,  some rice. I did taste the veg meat.  I'm really not supposed to eat that.   My diet is tight. 

Then he said ,  "June,  I want you to come to my Church and sing and share your testimony."  Hmmm.... Sing, OK.  I can do that.  Say my testimony.  Terrified.  Not good.   I really don't know what to say and how to say it.  Not my forte. He texted the senior pastor of the church in my presence and hooked it up.  I was singing next weekend.

The week was very bad.

I've been so sick.  I had a mental breakdown on Monday, also chemo and huge shots,  and bone density shots,  really bad this time.,     Tuesday's treatments began making me physically sick, really sick,  reactions from the chemo.  I am not able to juice and cook as much because I am physically not able.   I need help.  Please, find someone to help me Lord.

I was up all night.  Pain, hotflashes, despair.  Called my doctor.  I was asked to sing at a different church on Wednesday evening,  I had to cancel.   I could not stand up.  Literally.  I hate when I have to cancel.  I am so sorry Mr. Michael Saunders.  I feel like I let people down ya know.

Wednesday, spoke with doctor, he's a good man.   He gave me meds, by Wednesday night, sick again, I had to knock on the neighbors door because I thought I was on deaths door. They called my doctor in the middle of the night, again. I thought i would be going to the ER that night for sure.  I doubled up on some hard core pain meds that knocked me out and I made it til morning.  Thank you neighbors Todd and Wendy.

Thursday I was very depressed and felt mentally tired. I'd had enough. Spoke with my dear friend Sherilyn out here and told her I wanted to kill myself,. She immediately gave me the suicide hotline. It was 3am in the morning. I did not call them.

Sherilyn

I prayed. "Lord, help me" The best way I knew how. I was mentally at a critical state.

I was in agony so much this week the doctors were in a huddle around me wiping my tears.

Friday I got that painful B12 shot and a bone density shot again, also very painful.  4 days later the area is still sore. So here comes Sabbath eve. Friday night.  My sister friend Sherilyn says" let's call and tell them at MT. Rubidoux Church," "tell them you can't make it."  Friday night I stayed with her and she watched me closely. God bless her.  She is a woman of God.  But,  I decided I still wanted to sing. 

I don't know what is wrong with me, or right about me but I still wanted to be a witness in front of the saints.   I needed human contact,  I needed a hug,  I needed a word of encouragement from a prayer warrior.    I took at least 800mg of Ibuprofen in the morning at about 8:00am, and then at 12 noon,  I took 400mg's more.   I did not want to take the meds that make you drowsy.

I arrived at the church.  I was greeted and directed to the Green Room.  The lady in red, the tech person,  talked down the order of the service.  A large group was gathered at about 10:30am.  We prayed and then i left to sit in the designated seating area for me.   I was eating raw almonds in my seat during the service and shaking.   I have to eat small meals.   Sherilyn's sister brought me some hummus and pita chips.  I needed some protein.  

Now here it comes.. Augh.  I began an awful sweat.   an Awful sweat.  Hotflash!   

I went back to the Green room in the church, (yes, they are high tech up in there),    I was sitting on the couch and I said to myself, "Something or someone is Kickin up in here".    So I moved around, then I went to the ladies room.    I came back to the room and sat on other side of the room, and the smell came again. Whew!? Who died?.   But this time,  I was sitting alone.    I inconspicuously turned my head toward my own arms pits. Lord have mercy!  Announcement": Death on wheels in Aisle number #3."

I am learning that when cancer leaves your body, you can sweat, it can smell, and you can be FUNKY! Whew! I am so embarrassed.  I had no clue.   Toxins leaving your body, plus cancer cells leaving your body can smell.  It  has nothing to do with hygiene.  Lord knows I washed that morning.     The funk of a thousand thieves was seeping through my pores.   I am feeling so ill at ease, humbled, Undiva ish.  I went to the bathroom and did the old school water and paper towel wipe.... Augh, the sound person was looking for me.   I will be going on to sing the  Meditation song shortly.  I was about to lose it.

There was a woman from the Praise team (singing group) in the back, an alto, still in the Green room when went back again.   The Praise Team work was about finished but she was hanging out.   She saw my condition and held my hand, and told me "Breathe" "Breathe"  "clam down"  "Try to stop shaking"  "God's got you" she instructed someone to get me some water.  My hands shook as I raised the plastic cup to my lips.  Then she closed her eyes and audibly prayed for me.  "In the name of Jesus."

She opened her eyes and told me "You must claim your Victory right now"  "No more Fear" " the Lord is with you"   "Believe"  I cried.   I did not want to,  but I did.   Also,  my fake eye lashes were about to shake loose.  I am self conscious again.  I was in pain,  physically and mentally, I felt weak and truly felt i would pass out.  "Just forget about yourself and Concentrate on him"  I am trying. Yes.

"Be careful of that step there"  "Use this microphone" "Give God the Glory"  were some of the instructions from the wonderful tech woman, who held my hand, and walked me out and let my hand go, right before the spot light caught me.  I walked to the podium. 

I spoke very briefly before I sang,  but I did say publicly "I claim my healing in Jesus name".  All of  these years I never spoke it out loud,  God's healing promises, publicly to a congregation.   I never even realized it.  I pray so much in my closet and "walk and talk with Jesus" but never shouted it out to the multitude.   Mt Rubidioux has a congregation of 1,300 persons and a 10,000 person online presence,  I'm told. That is public.   The Lord truly used me as an instrument of his doing.    Amen, Hallelujah.  Thanks again to the musicians and the sound crew.

Dr Eric Walsh,  really inspired me to claim victory and to speak it publicly because there is accountability at this point.    His previous sermon at Maranatha was.........well,    what I got from it was to say  "I Believe....Lord, help my unbelief" and the sermon he spoke after i sang that day was about Joseph,  and knowing that God is refining you to be pure gold,  but the heat is on and others might disintegrate but God has given you the strength to continue being refined.   WOW!   that's deep.  I don't know how strong I am.  I don't want to know.   Its hard. real hard.

But, that has to be what God is doing to me.  That's is the only thing that makes sense.   I received so many hugs that day.   Amen.  So many nurses, widows, survivors, and others spoke and encouraged me.  They cried with me also about their troubles too.  I am truly thankful.  I decided that i want to create a support group called "S.I.S".  "Suffering in Silence".  This would be an anonymous Christian blog where anyone can express themselves, anonymously or otherwise and others can response and give hope and pray for them.  I'll work on the details later. Don't take my idea :) guys.

Sunday,  was a better day.  There was a street festival in San Diego.  The Sicilian Festival.   I listened to the Italian music bands and saw pretty people eating spaghetti , and ladies in cute maxi dresses.   Although I had to stop and sit every 2 blocks or so.  It was soothing to feel normal and enjoy the sunshine.

I have not given up.  God is still able and in the healing business. I am healed,  In Jesus name Amen.

This is the link for the service.  Scroll near the end.  i am singing right before Dr. Walsh, preaches.  He has on the Creme suit.  if you are interested. 

May 19, 2012 at Mt Rubidoux SDA Church, Riverside, CA

Peace, Love and God Bless,

June April

For better, for worse, Post #3, another day at the clinic

There is the sweetest married couple here.   They are young.  Got married right out of college.  Married at twenty something years old.   Cute couple.  Unfortunely, the husband is dealing with stomach cancer.  Don't quote me but it's not the stomach organ.  It's in the abdomianl cavity somewhere.

He is 37 years young.  He just celebrated a birthday while I was here and they asked me to sing happy birthday while someone else carried a few balloons in. 

As a result of his condition,  he cannot eat.  He has a tube through his nose I think. He gets nutrients through another source other than his mouth.   Really rough.

His wife is extremely pleasant and is with him all the way.   I have never in my life seen such commitment and love.   She asks all the questions to the doctor.  Knows his medication schedule.  Meets his every need.  I crochet while in treatment,  so often times I am quiet and I can hear the conversations. By the way,  i have made some cuuuute hats.

I am here by myself and i am in awe of that support and deep unconditional love.  For better or for worse.   They don't know this but,  I pray for them everytime i see them.    i wish there was something I could do for them.   

Sometimes you think you have it rough but there are people would be glad to walk in your shoes exactly as they are.   God still has him in the palm of his hands, but how many of you could endure this and still keep your head up.

Pray for others, and help while you can and count your blessings.   Pray for this couple now.  God knows who you are talking about.

I just found out yesterday that he died.   It was a shock to me.   I have been praying for his recovery, but he died.  I am saddened deeply by the news.   Please send an encouraging comment.  
Peace, Love and God bless,

june april

Planet rock, Planet rock......it's the sure SHOT!

Planet rock,  Planet rock.........it's the sure SHOT!

I am usually at the clinic about 8am.  When you do chemo,  they want you to arrive early,  so the nurses can get home at a decent time of the day.  I have a minimum of 4 drips (IV's) a day.  It could be a slow drip or a fast one.  Depending on that,  we could literally be there at least 5 hours or more. All day.   If have pain,  they can give you a drip for that too. 

Again more Time.  

Then here comes........DON. DON, DON,DON, DON.......  THE NEEDLES.  The SHOTS.

Growing up in church,  I never got my ears pierced.  Seventh Day Adventists girls don't get their ears pierced at birth.   These days many SDA girls get their ears pierced when they are adults.   Times have changed. 

As a kid,  I would put tape on my ears and pretend they were earrings and as a teenager attempted the pain and agony of clip ons.   It is as if the clip-on was trying to pierce your ear itself.

 Do you remember the stories of somebody's momma or grandma  putting ice on their daughter's ears,  make them numb, and then sticking a needle in their ear, to pierce them, and then putting a string thru your ear, so the hole would not close up.   I remember seeing girls with white string in their ears while jumping double dutch in the park.  I never knew why.  I thought they didn't have earring yet.

Well,  those stories made me cringe.   The thought of being pierced voluntarily was out of the question for me.  What am i?, in some kind of medieval war or something?  I know that's a little much but I said it.    Some tribal ritual?   It just wasn't for me.

Everyone says "June it's not that bad" getting your ears pierced.   But, I was not willing to do it.  now I am told that they have gun piercing and it is way easier.   But I don't like the word "Gun" and "Piercing".  I''m good.

Okay I'm back....I DO NOT LIKE NEEDLES. I DON'T LIKE SHOTS.  I mean who does.  but,  I have high anxiety if i know I am getting a needle from the night before.   I have learned that drawing blood does not hurt as much.  But an injection hurts.  Not the stab, but the hot sauce they put in you arms can BURN BABY BURN (disco inferno) hee, hee.

I give the nurses much drama.  I request that only one nurse give me the needle.   Her name is Dee.   She is a southern young white lady, burnette, tasteful makeup, and a smile, and always a kind word.  Love you Dee.  The other nurses tolerate me and have bedside manner but I don't have a desire to read their mind at the those moments.

The B12 shot in the booty REALLY HURTS! AUGH!  Okay here's the routine,

First you have to go in the back,  because you have to get exposed.

Secondly,  you really hoped you remember to put extra lotion on your booty so the nurses don't see your ASHY DERRIERE. 

YOU LAY ON your stomach and feel totally out of control.  I ask that I never see the needle laid out, staring at me, threatening me,  showing me that is has the power.   I am not good.  I am shaky.  The nurse usually gives me the look of "you for real" for a second and then shifts into the rehearsed bed side manner "smile".

Okay,  here comes the cool alcohol rub on the cleared booty area.  I always imagine that the alcohol has to make a clearing through the ashyness, (is that a word),   Looking like a clearing of a snow dusted field.  Hilarious.

Now,  the nice nurse will say "Take a deep breathe"  1, 2,3.  JAB.   Augh! But it's in.

Now here come the slow hot sauce.   Owwwwww! Owwwww! "Is it all in" "not yet"  Aughh!!!.  it burns!  "almost done"   "stay still, June"   "stay still"   I don't wanna stay still!   I always cry.  ALWAYS.

All done" (smiles the nurse) then dumps the needle in the safe waste box in the room and dumps all the loose packaging stuff on the tray in the trash and leaves the room.. 

All alone now,  you can cover your exposed area.  i wipe my tears.  Now,  my booty is so sore.  I have to sit down for awhile to adjust to this assault.   Hmmm.   Hmmm.  recover, recover.

After this shot, I'll usually cheer myself up with a vegan taco.(no cheese)

I have to prepare my mind for another shot tomorrow.   Help!

Another day at the clinic

My daughter and I

MY VERY FIRST BLOG POST EVER!!

I decided to write a blog about my journey thru cancer.    I don't say fight because this is not MY fight, this is God's fight. I must trust that God knows what he is doing and there is a great blessing at the end of this dark tunnel.

I want to share with my friends and family my daily life.   I guess with my internet presence you only see the pretty pics and think I am like that all the time. THAT IS SO FAR FROM THE TRUTH. Thank God for my prayer warriors that I call at three am, my sisters and family who help with my daughter and those who give a hug and a kind word of strength and scripture.  

My sisters Stacy, Dana, and brother in-laws Tommy, Christopher, and others, have all been up with me at night, watching my ordeal through chemo, muscle spasms(Charlie Horses), bone pain, and radiation side effects. Also, they have assisted me with my tedious juicing program, specific diet and weight gain and loss.

I GUESS I LIKE TO PUT MY BEST FOOT FORWARD when I am in public and I don't like others to see me sweat. But, my treatments and this cancer causes alot of pain. I did chemo yesterday and I have a bad metal taste in my mouth right now. I did not sleep much last night and was up very early this morning. I was hungry and I did not have much strength. Thank God I made tamales last week and put them in the freezer. I put two of them in a pot and boiled them up. Vegan tamales of course. Yummy.

Last week, I had an Iron overdose at the clinic and was throwing up violently. The nurse had to flush my IV immediately and watch me literally hug the toilet bowl and heave involuntarily. Now these are the things I don't like to share because quite frankly, I am embarrassed. This is not pretty at all. I don't want to remember those times. I want to put these times behind because another medical body response is sure to come.

I spoke with a good friend mine who told me his Dad died from cancer yesterday and he just wanted to hear my voice. He wanted to know that I was ok since I going thru a similar thing. One thing I have learned, everyone handles medical treatment differently and until you are in the hot seat yourself, you don't know what your threshold is.     Some can handle Chemo, some cannot.    Some need pain meds, some have less pain.  I hope you never find out how Chemo feels.   I don't wish this on anyone. 

Right now, I am hooked up to my daily IV and everyone is talkative around me and I have a desire for quiet. I am still getting awful hot flashes from the treatments. I have a chemically induced menopause as a result of the tamoxifen or the chemo or both. I don't even know anymore. Hold On............................................................................................................... I am having a hot flash right now. Can't type. .....................................................................................................................................................................Ok, I'm back. It lasts for about 5-10 minutes. Here comes the horrible sweat following the flash.. ...................... They initiate chest pain and an enormous surge of heat. It feels like you are in a full, one zipper,  heavy leather, catsuit, with the zipper being stuck, in the middle of July, in Alabama, standing behind a bus exhaust.

I am alone here on the other side of the country. This is hard.  I have gone to church and met some church members.  They are so kind,  but I miss my home.    I had two other girls here with me doing treatments and they are finished. They don't have to come back until their follow up in about six months. I still don't know how long my treatments are until I do more tests, and see what the deal is after 6 weeks of treatment. I miss the sister support and the Christian support from my girls. God bless them. They are back with their husbands and families. I don't have a husband, (one day I hope I get a good one.) but I have wonderful sisters and dear friends that love me and I love them.

I miss my daughter. She is with my sister in Alabama. She misses me also. She is the reason why I remain strong during this struggle. God brought her into to my life for such a time as this so I would have something to fight for. She has had to stay with my sisters or with her "Nana and Papi" often when I have to go away for treatments. They love her but I still want to be and will be her mother. She needs to get her hair re braided.

I have moved around so much i don't know where I live anymore. I have been through 4 oncologists, 2 surgeries, and 4 holistic doctors thus far. I try not be upset with such a path and not having a direct route to my healing. I am learning to trust that God knows what he is doing. This is hard because, baby, I AM TIRED, but not defeated. I am still waiting for that consistent good medical report. i have had a few good reports, but mostly not good.

I will try to blog at least once a week, when i am well enough.  I want to keep the family informed.   I don't like showing the hard times thru this journey because I live it everyday. When I am in public, people even say i look great. I am usually am in some form of pain all the time in public. I am so glad to see people and loved ones, that I smile thru pain. Also, i know that I am back in treatment when the weekend is over and don't want to think about cancer for a moment, an hour, a day.

Pray for me today, right now.

Peace, Love and God bless,
June April