A Refiner's Fire, Whew! Post #4, please read.

A Refiner's Fire

I sang at Mt Rubidoux SDA Church in Riverside, CA.   God is good because I still can't believe I made it there.

I met Dr. Eric Walsh in San Diego,CA, the previous week at the Marantha Church.   I sang there by a fluke because the pastor was supposed to sing but he had laryngitis.   So I filled in the gap.   The Lord blessed.  Dr. Walsh, his son and I,  went downstairs for the "Mother's Day"afternoon  lunch.   Big production.  The men were in charge and did all of the cooking.   He asked me about the disease and was very concerned.   He suggested some things and then drank some water.  We talked, and realized that we had some mutual friends in common.  I noticed that he did not eat.  The food was all around us and ya know the guest pastor always get fed first, and gets the first fruits of the celebration,  but he opted out.   He was on a juice fast.   I had some salad, water,  some rice. I did taste the veg meat.  I'm really not supposed to eat that.   My diet is tight. 

Then he said ,  "June,  I want you to come to my Church and sing and share your testimony."  Hmmm.... Sing, OK.  I can do that.  Say my testimony.  Terrified.  Not good.   I really don't know what to say and how to say it.  Not my forte. He texted the senior pastor of the church in my presence and hooked it up.  I was singing next weekend.

The week was very bad.

I've been so sick.  I had a mental breakdown on Monday, also chemo and huge shots,  and bone density shots,  really bad this time.,     Tuesday's treatments began making me physically sick, really sick,  reactions from the chemo.  I am not able to juice and cook as much because I am physically not able.   I need help.  Please, find someone to help me Lord.

I was up all night.  Pain, hotflashes, despair.  Called my doctor.  I was asked to sing at a different church on Wednesday evening,  I had to cancel.   I could not stand up.  Literally.  I hate when I have to cancel.  I am so sorry Mr. Michael Saunders.  I feel like I let people down ya know.

Wednesday, spoke with doctor, he's a good man.   He gave me meds, by Wednesday night, sick again, I had to knock on the neighbors door because I thought I was on deaths door. They called my doctor in the middle of the night, again. I thought i would be going to the ER that night for sure.  I doubled up on some hard core pain meds that knocked me out and I made it til morning.  Thank you neighbors Todd and Wendy.

Thursday I was very depressed and felt mentally tired. I'd had enough. Spoke with my dear friend Sherilyn out here and told her I wanted to kill myself,. She immediately gave me the suicide hotline. It was 3am in the morning. I did not call them.

Sherilyn

I prayed. "Lord, help me" The best way I knew how. I was mentally at a critical state.

I was in agony so much this week the doctors were in a huddle around me wiping my tears.

Friday I got that painful B12 shot and a bone density shot again, also very painful.  4 days later the area is still sore. So here comes Sabbath eve. Friday night.  My sister friend Sherilyn says" let's call and tell them at MT. Rubidoux Church," "tell them you can't make it."  Friday night I stayed with her and she watched me closely. God bless her.  She is a woman of God.  But,  I decided I still wanted to sing. 

I don't know what is wrong with me, or right about me but I still wanted to be a witness in front of the saints.   I needed human contact,  I needed a hug,  I needed a word of encouragement from a prayer warrior.    I took at least 800mg of Ibuprofen in the morning at about 8:00am, and then at 12 noon,  I took 400mg's more.   I did not want to take the meds that make you drowsy.

I arrived at the church.  I was greeted and directed to the Green Room.  The lady in red, the tech person,  talked down the order of the service.  A large group was gathered at about 10:30am.  We prayed and then i left to sit in the designated seating area for me.   I was eating raw almonds in my seat during the service and shaking.   I have to eat small meals.   Sherilyn's sister brought me some hummus and pita chips.  I needed some protein.  

Now here it comes.. Augh.  I began an awful sweat.   an Awful sweat.  Hotflash!   

I went back to the Green room in the church, (yes, they are high tech up in there),    I was sitting on the couch and I said to myself, "Something or someone is Kickin up in here".    So I moved around, then I went to the ladies room.    I came back to the room and sat on other side of the room, and the smell came again. Whew!? Who died?.   But this time,  I was sitting alone.    I inconspicuously turned my head toward my own arms pits. Lord have mercy!  Announcement": Death on wheels in Aisle number #3."

I am learning that when cancer leaves your body, you can sweat, it can smell, and you can be FUNKY! Whew! I am so embarrassed.  I had no clue.   Toxins leaving your body, plus cancer cells leaving your body can smell.  It  has nothing to do with hygiene.  Lord knows I washed that morning.     The funk of a thousand thieves was seeping through my pores.   I am feeling so ill at ease, humbled, Undiva ish.  I went to the bathroom and did the old school water and paper towel wipe.... Augh, the sound person was looking for me.   I will be going on to sing the  Meditation song shortly.  I was about to lose it.

There was a woman from the Praise team (singing group) in the back, an alto, still in the Green room when went back again.   The Praise Team work was about finished but she was hanging out.   She saw my condition and held my hand, and told me "Breathe" "Breathe"  "clam down"  "Try to stop shaking"  "God's got you" she instructed someone to get me some water.  My hands shook as I raised the plastic cup to my lips.  Then she closed her eyes and audibly prayed for me.  "In the name of Jesus."

She opened her eyes and told me "You must claim your Victory right now"  "No more Fear" " the Lord is with you"   "Believe"  I cried.   I did not want to,  but I did.   Also,  my fake eye lashes were about to shake loose.  I am self conscious again.  I was in pain,  physically and mentally, I felt weak and truly felt i would pass out.  "Just forget about yourself and Concentrate on him"  I am trying. Yes.

"Be careful of that step there"  "Use this microphone" "Give God the Glory"  were some of the instructions from the wonderful tech woman, who held my hand, and walked me out and let my hand go, right before the spot light caught me.  I walked to the podium. 

I spoke very briefly before I sang,  but I did say publicly "I claim my healing in Jesus name".  All of  these years I never spoke it out loud,  God's healing promises, publicly to a congregation.   I never even realized it.  I pray so much in my closet and "walk and talk with Jesus" but never shouted it out to the multitude.   Mt Rubidioux has a congregation of 1,300 persons and a 10,000 person online presence,  I'm told. That is public.   The Lord truly used me as an instrument of his doing.    Amen, Hallelujah.  Thanks again to the musicians and the sound crew.

Dr Eric Walsh,  really inspired me to claim victory and to speak it publicly because there is accountability at this point.    His previous sermon at Maranatha was.........well,    what I got from it was to say  "I Believe....Lord, help my unbelief" and the sermon he spoke after i sang that day was about Joseph,  and knowing that God is refining you to be pure gold,  but the heat is on and others might disintegrate but God has given you the strength to continue being refined.   WOW!   that's deep.  I don't know how strong I am.  I don't want to know.   Its hard. real hard.

But, that has to be what God is doing to me.  That's is the only thing that makes sense.   I received so many hugs that day.   Amen.  So many nurses, widows, survivors, and others spoke and encouraged me.  They cried with me also about their troubles too.  I am truly thankful.  I decided that i want to create a support group called "S.I.S".  "Suffering in Silence".  This would be an anonymous Christian blog where anyone can express themselves, anonymously or otherwise and others can response and give hope and pray for them.  I'll work on the details later. Don't take my idea :) guys.

Sunday,  was a better day.  There was a street festival in San Diego.  The Sicilian Festival.   I listened to the Italian music bands and saw pretty people eating spaghetti , and ladies in cute maxi dresses.   Although I had to stop and sit every 2 blocks or so.  It was soothing to feel normal and enjoy the sunshine.

I have not given up.  God is still able and in the healing business. I am healed,  In Jesus name Amen.

This is the link for the service.  Scroll near the end.  i am singing right before Dr. Walsh, preaches.  He has on the Creme suit.  if you are interested. 

May 19, 2012 at Mt Rubidoux SDA Church, Riverside, CA

Peace, Love and God Bless,

June April